


All These Things That I've Done

by hollsteinhasruinedme



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Drug Use, F/F, Sexual Abuse, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-26
Updated: 2015-06-02
Packaged: 2018-04-01 07:24:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4010971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollsteinhasruinedme/pseuds/hollsteinhasruinedme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Laura Hollis isn't perfect, she's known that for a long time. But it really hits her when she gets stuck at Silas Mental Institute for eighteen months. "Was I crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is." Girl, Interrupted!Carmilla AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Goodbye, sanity

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't seen Girl, Interrupted, I suggest you do. You'll understand this fic just fine if you don't, I just really want you to see that damn movie. It's amazing and one of my favorites. Enjoy.

I figured life was a watercolor painting, but not like the ones you see in a museum, no, those ones mean nothing to anyone. I’m talking about the ones that you make in art class; the ones that your art teacher makes you paint and you hate it so much you just want to get it over with. But then you get a B or an A minus and you think that maybe this all makes sense, even as you look down at a white sheet of paper covered in runny, uneven red splotches. And then maybe she tells you that you did good, or maybe she asks you why you painted it or what it represents. So you tell her that it reminded you of the time you fell and scraped your knee on Easter, which totally isn’t true. You tell her this though, because you can’t tell her that it reminds you of your wrists at one in the morning.

 

I guess lies don’t matter much, because she found out the next day. I don’t even remember how she saw the scars, I swore my sleeves were long enough that day. But I thought nothing of anything when she asked me to stay after class. It wasn’t until she said she saw my arms that I panicked. I tried to explain, for years, actually. But for some reason, everything everyone else had to say was more important than what I had to say. Maybe my opinion didn’t matter because I was crazy, or maybe I was just a girl… interrupted.

 

That was high school, though. I graduated, and now there I was, one month later leaning against a doorframe staring at a bunch of people I didn’t know. “Laura!”

 

God, it was like hearing the devil’s cry. I turned around though, putting on my best smile. “Hey, Rachel.”

 

Rachel was my step mother. It’s been awhile since then, but yeah, I still remember everything about her. She was an asshole, and probably still is. “Is that what you’re wearing for my party?” she whispered, so no one could hear.

 

“Guess I didn’t get the memo, sorry,” I said, even if we both knew I wasn’t.

 

The party dragged on and I stayed up in my room for most of it, if I remember correctly; I spent that time writing in my journal. It seemed that was the only thing that I could do without shaking hands or labored breaths, so I did it. I did it a lot. And then… nothing. I stopped. Not for no reason, though. Rachel found my journal and showed my Dad. He didn’t have much to say except that Rachel was wrong for going through my things without permission, and she agreed. At least until he left the room. That’s when the yelling started. I’m pretty sure she left five minutes after coming in, but I just kept hearing it until I screamed and went into my bathroom cabinet.

 

There were really bright lights, a shrew of voices and then needles and wires and tubes and just _everything_. I don’t remember what I said, but it was enough that they decided to pump my stomach. I do remember laughing when they mentioned my wrists, and then there was nothing but a low hum and darkness.

 

I woke up the next day before noon. I laughed to myself. I laughed, and laughed and laughed until the nurse watching my room came in and asked me if everything was okay. And I told her that it wasn’t. I told her that they should have let the medicine work because my head was pounding so hard I could have swore I was a construction site. The nurse gave me a terrified look and told me she would come right back.

 

She never came back.

 

And then even after having to go through all of that shit, there was more shit apparently. My life was like a porta potty at this point. I laughed at my own joke and Mr. Know It All Asshole cocked his head, like he was amused. “Is something funny, Laura?”

 

“Probably.”

 

He folded his hands and leaned forward. “You tried to kill yourself, Laura. I don’t think that’s funny.”

 

I narrowed my eyes. “I didn’t try to kill myself.”

 

“You chased a bottle of aspirin... with a bottle of vodka.”

 

I shrugged. “I had a headache.”

 

He nodded, probably just to get me to shut up or something, but I guess it worked. He asked me several more questions about how my life was, what I wanted to do when I get older, who I lived with, when my Dad got remarried but then he asked the wrong question. “What happened to your Mother?”

 

I’m pretty sure I threw his ashtray at him, or whatever that little ceramic dish was that was sitting on his table because I got dragged out of the room and stayed in the lobby for fifteen minutes. When I was finally let back in, he had a bandage on his forehead. Even I felt sorry for him, even if he didn’t feel sorry for me. “You know, Laura, there’s this great facility in town. It’s only fifteen minutes away so you can visit your family -”

 

I sat up on the edge of my chair; I knew what was coming, but I didn’t think he’d actually say it. “You’re not talking about Silas, are you?”

 

“Yes, Laura,” he sighed “I am. I think it would be great for you.”

 

“Well… what about… what did my Dad say?” I asked, looking out of the window. He wasn’t out there anymore. I was praying to a god I didn’t believe in that he said something different than what I thought.

 

“He… agreed, Laura.”

 

“No,” I whispered. “No he didn’t... he wouldn’t -”

 

The “doctor” sighed. “There’s a cab waiting outside for you, so, whenever you’re ready…”

 

I gave him a hurt look. “But… my Dad’s here, why wouldn’t he take me?”

 

“Both of your parents agreed that it would be less… emotional if we did it this way.”

 

We sat in a moment of silence. And, I would have said something but I didn’t know if I was going to laugh or cry and I didn’t need to give him another reason to send me to Silas.

 

It didn’t matter if I said something or nothing though, I still went.

 

He took me by the arm and lead me into the back of the cab, but not before I gave Rachel the nastiest look I could muster. “Really smart of you to send a lesbian to a place full of girls for a year, asshole.”

 

She gasped and I swear to god that I saw a hint of a smile on my Dad’s face.

 

I got into the cab and waved goodbye. Not to Rachel, not to my councillor, not even to my Dad. I waved goodbye to whatever bit of sanity I had left. Because I knew I wouldn’t have any when I got there.

 

I was right.

 

“Hey… you going to Silas?”

 

I lit a cigarette and took a long drag. “Yeah.”

 

“Why?”

 

I shrugged. “I’m sad.” I looked down at his personal information plate and smirked. “Haven’t you ever been sad, Brody?”

 

“Well, yeah; but you look normal.” He cleared his throat. “And I prefer to be called Kirsch… umm…?”

 

“You don’t need to know my name, Kirsch. You don’t want to.”

 

He nodded and took a left. I finished my cigarette and flicked it out of the window as we pulled into a huge parking lot. He put the car in park and turned around in his seat. “Here you are.”

 

“I’d say thank you, but I don’t know why I should thank anyone for driving me to a mental institute.”

 

He laughed and then I laughed and I felt like maybe some things were going to be okay.

 

But I was wrong because now I’m standing here staring at a nurse with dark skin and fierce eyes. I’m not racist by any means, but holy shit was she intimidating. “Laura Hollis?”

 

“Unfortunately.”

 

“Welcome to Silas,” the woman said with a knowing smile. “Let’s go get you checked in, shall we?”    

 

I don’t want this. I want to go to college and study journalism and become a writer and…

 

_“Laura Hollis.”_

_“Wake up, freak!” Someone nudged me and I jolted awake._

_“Laura Hollis?” My Principal said again, clearly getting irritated. I rolled my eyes before standing and making my way to the stage to grab my diploma that I knew wasn’t going to get my anywhere but where I didn’t want to be on a Tuesday night._

“Ms. Hollis?”

 

I shook my head. “What?”

 

The Lady gave me a look. “You forgot your initial right here,” she said, pointing to a blank spot on the page of… holy shit, what is this?

 

“What am I signing again?”

 

She crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. “Your entry forms. You know... regulations, rules, restrictions, repercussions?”

 

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. “Um.. right, sorry,” I said quietly, quickly drawing the pen over the little available spot on the paper.  

 

A few minutes later, we were walking across the parking lot. That nurse, Valerie is her name… she pointed to a large building that looked like it was built in the twenties. “That… is the Men’s Ward.”

 

I nodded and we continued to walk forward and then she pointed to a larger building in front of us.

 

“And this, is the Women’s Ward.” She smiled and opened the door. “Welcome home.”

 

The smell of antiseptic hit my nose and I scrunched my nose at the smell. It could have been worse, I guess. It smelled better than Rachel’s horrible cooking or those disgusting candles she burns when she takes a bath.

 

I clutched my suitcase tighter as we climbed the stairs to the 4th floor. She opened the doors and I closed my eyes. Everything was white. The walls, the floors, the uniforms, the people.

 

“Everything’s white, I know. You’ll get used to it,” she said before winking in my direction. I guess I couldn't complain, because I’m white too, but it makes you wonder, maybe the minorities were right. Maybe white people really are crazy.

 

There was at least ten pairs of eyes on me. Valerie nodded towards the group of girls. “That, is the TV room,” she said before lightly tugging on my shirt. We walked for a few seconds before turning the corner. “This is the living room,” she drawled. “Everyone hates it.”

 

Despite my current position, I couldn’t help but crack a small smile.

 

Valerie showed me a few more places. The mess hall, the tub room and then, finally, my room.

 

I sighed, laying my suitcase on my new bed and popped it opened. I took out a pack of cigarettes and dropped them in my pocket. Because god knew that I’d be going through at least a pack a day now.

 

I pulled out, from under a pair of shorts, an old family photo. My Dad, my Mom and I. We were at the beach that day and I was four so I was pretty afraid of everything, except for my parents.

 

There was a knock on the door and I buried the picture again. “Laura,” Valerie said in that tone of hers. “This is your roommate, Lola Perry.”

 

I turned around and stared at this girl with curly red hair and a shy smile. “It’s Perry, Val, just Perry,” she said softly, and then she turned to me. “Hi.”

 

“Um, hey… I’m Laura. Laura Hollis.”

 

“Nice to meet you, Laura,” Perry said.

 

There was a loud scream of ‘don’t touch me you bastards’ and Valerie nodded. “You two get acquainted while I go deal with… someone.”  

 

Once she left I walked towards the cracked open door and stared at one of the most beautiful girls I’d ever seen in my entire life. And I blushed a little when she starred in my direction. She didn’t though, she turned stone cold before whipping her head towards Valerie.

 

“Who the frilly hell is that?” she barked. “Where’s Elle? Where the fuck is she, Valerie?”

 

Valerie sighed. “You’ve been gone a long time, a lot of shit’s happened.”

 

“No!” she screamed, thrashing in the two men’s arms. “Where the _fuck is she_?”

 

“Take her to solitary confinement,” Valerie said, rolling her eyes in the process.

 

_Who is this girl?_

 

“Get the fuck _off of me_ ,” she yelled before kicking one of the men in the face and flipping the other over her shoulder. And then… wait, is she starring at me? Is she… oh god. She’s running and I’m slamming the door and then it’s being pushed back open and slammed again. She puts a chair under the doorknob and glares at me. “Who are you, huh? Where’s Elle?”

 

I backed up, closer to the corner. “I’m… I’m Laura.”

 

She laughed and I would have smiled because her face just glows when she throws her head back. Except for the fact that she was still glaring at me, standing closer and closer. “I don’t give a _fuck_ , okay? What’d you do with Elle?”

 

Perry screamed. “Stop it!”

 

“Open this damn door.”

 

“Not a chance!” she threw over her shoulder before turning back to me. “You’re not going to last five days here -”

 

“God damn it,” Valerie yelled, finally knocking the chair away from the doorknob and breaking into the room. “Get away from her, _now._ ”

 

The girl put her hands up and backed away and out of the room. I drew in a deep breath and turned to Perry who was offering a sympathetic smile. I stood shakily and brushed off my pants.

 

“Who the hell was that?”

 

She smiled sadly, shrugging. “That? That... was Carmilla Karnstein.”  


	2. Hello, home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Laura comes to the sense that maybe mental institutions aren't that bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drug use warning in this chapter and mentions of sexual abuse and rape. Nothing too bad, but still.

**Chapter 2**

I stared at Perry for a long time before swallowing. “Uh, okay… then who is Ell?”

She walked to the door, opened it and jerked her head towards the hallway. “Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone and then we can all tell you together, okay?”

I nodded slowly, taking shaky steps and following her into the TV room. “Everyone,” Perry said lightly. One girl switched off the TV and everyone turned to face us. “I would like to introduce you to Laura Hollis.”

She gestured to a girl with short, flippy fire colored hair. “This is Lafontaine. Or just LaF.”

A girl who had to be at least six foot one with fiery red hair and… really, what was up with the red heads? “Danny Lawrence.”

A shy girl with light brown hair and a pastel pink dress. “Sarah Jane.”

A blonde girl who had a white gown on and a cigarette hanging from her mouth. She wore a smirk like she was the queen, but I didn’t question it, because maybe she was. “Elsie.”

A Korean (maybe Asian?) girl with a sweet smile but wild eyes. “And last but not least, Natalie.”

I waved timidly. “Hi.”

“So, Laura,” LaF began, trying to hide an obvious smirk. “I see you’ve already met Carmilla.”

Danny smacked LaFontaine on the arm. “Yeah, so… she’s kind of intense. Sorry you had to see all that. She’s usually pretty chill it’s just…” Danny looked at Perry pleadingly.

Perry sighed and gave me that smile. The one you see your parents give you when your dog or goldfish dies. “Carmilla broke out about three weeks ago and, really it’s nothing because she does it all the time. But, Ell had really bad paranoia so when Carmilla left and didn’t come back, she hung herself with a volleyball net.”

It bothered me that she said that so easily, like that kind of stuff happens all the time. “So, then… Ell was her…?”

“One night stand.”

“Study buddy.”

“Girlfriend.”

“Bitch.”

“Best friend.”

“Study buddy? More like _fuck buddy_ ,” Natalie said, laughing after a beat. And seriously I was so uncomfortable that I laughed too, and then we were all laughing. I’m talking weezing, coughing, tear filled laughter. That is until we heard someone clear their throat.

“What the hell are you lack wits laughing about now?”

I turned around and was going to offer a nervous smile, but it pretty much fell from my thoughts when I saw her taking a drag of a cigarette through a smirk. “Um…hi?”

She blew smoke in my face and her smirk widened. “Hey, cutie.”

She was just trying to kill me… now she’s flirting with me? I've seen a lot of shit, but this was bat shit.

“The fuck, Carmilla?” Danny asked, standing up and walking to my side. “You were literally just trying to kill her, don’t try that shit on her because she’s new you -”

Carmilla flicked her cigarette in Danny’s face. “Would you mind shutting the fuck up for once, fire crotch?”

“Woah,” Perry said, coming in between the two girls and waving her hands. “Everyone calm down, okay? But… seriously Carmilla, how are you okay right now?”

She shrugged and a dopey smile appeared on her face. “Been saving up my Valium for the past two months.”

Valium? Why does that sound so familiar?

“Come on Carmilla we were supposed to all wait until we could go down into the tunnels,” Elsie whined. “Now we’re going to have to wait.”

Carmilla shrugged. “It’s fine, by then we’ll have enough to hopefully fry ourselves,” she said. “See you guys later?” she said, specifically looking at me.

I nodded as a chorus of _yeah sure_ , _whatever_ and _duh_ ’s rang through my ears.

As she walked back to her room, I lit a cigarette and sat next to Danny, LaF and Sarah Jane on the couch. “What’s wrong with her?” I asked, trying not to sound too rude.

“She’s a sociopath.”

_Of course she is._

**_October 23rd, 1967_ **

****

It’s been two weeks now and all I’ve done is play cards and eat, literally.

“All in, boys,” Carmilla said, smirking as she thrust the last of her chips into the pot.

I was about to do the same when I heard that dreaded squeaky cart wheel chugging down the hall. It stopped in front of our table and the nurse looked down her sheet. “Laura Hollis.”

She handed me my medicine in a plastic cup and I put it up to my mouth, tipping my head back.

“Open, dear,” she said and I did as I was told.

Once she left, though, we got back to our game before Carmilla spoke. “Let’s see em, you fuckers.”

Everyone set their cards down and opened their mouths, pulling their nighttime pills from under their tongue. Carmilla smirked.

“Looks like fight night is closer than we thought.”

Fight night?

“Well, I think we should still wait the two months, considering that the last time we went we almost got caught and -”

“Daddy’s girl is right,” Carmilla sighed and laid her cards down. “But not when it comes to how to play a game of Texas hold em.”

I stared at her, an amused smile on my face. I don’t think I’ll ever understand Carmilla, honestly. One moment she’s here and then another she’s more distant than the Andromeda galaxy.

Valerie walked past the table and Elsie got to her feet. “I want my fucking clothes back!”

“Then I guess you’ll just have to eat something, won’t you?”  

The table laughed and I sat in my own silence.

How am I supposed to fit in with a bunch of crazy people when I’m not crazy?

_“Sweetie,” my Dad said quietly. “I know it’s been hard, but it’s been a long time.”_

__

_I didn’t care. I only had one Mom, I refused to have another one. No one could ever replace her, ever. It didn’t matter how hard they tried, they would never come close. “Dad, I don’t care, okay? You do whatever you want and I’ll be happy for you, but she’s not my Mom, she never will be.”_

__

_“I’m not saying she has to be, that’s not what I want,” he was shaking his head. “I just want you to give her a chance.”_

__

_I was crying, but I didn’t want him to see so I didn’t look him in the eye. “Yeah, okay, Dad.”_

__

“Hey… cupcake, did you hear me?”

I shook my head. “Wait… sorry?”

“I asked if you’ve had your first Melvin yet.”

Wait… what? “Wait… what?”

Carmilla shrugged. “Fat old guy, small pecker, fucks his wife like once a year when she actually gets drunk?”

I cleared my throat as Natalie went around to pick up the cards. “Um… no, why?”

She didn’t answer, just pulled out a cigarette and Elsie ended up lighting it for her. That’s the one thing I’ve noticed, she doesn’t carry a lighter but she smokes at least a pack a day.

Maybe she really did run this place.

“Alright, that’s enough for tonight, losers.”

And like clockwork, we listened to her. Sarah Jane went to bed without saying a word, Natalie did the same and the rest of them, well, they said everything but goodnight.

I got up, too, hoping I could get to my room without Carmilla bothering me about something else. But, apparently when you’re the only two people in the TV room at 10:00, it’s not that easy. “So, what’s the deal with you?” she asked. By now she had another cigarette between her lips and like instinct, I lit it for her. “Why are you in this hell hole, hmm?”

What to do but answer honestly? “I don’t know.”

She laughed. “Bullshit, sweetheart.”

“Excuse me?”

She took a long drag and laughed. “You heard me,” she said. “I think you know exactly why you’re in here, but you’re too self absorbed to tell any of us about it because you think we’ll think you’re crazy correct?”

“No!”

She gave me a pointed look. _“Sweetheart.”_

I sighed. “Well, I mean… I know there’s something wrong with me but… I don’t know what to call it, you know?”

She nodded as I lit my own cigarette. “Been there. But you wanna know something, cutie?”

“Hmm?”

“We’re all crazy here, okay? We’ve seen it all.”

I nodded slowly. Of course they have, they’ve been here for way longer than I have.

Carmilla jerked her head in the direction of my room. “You look like shit, go get some sleep okay?”

I narrowed my eyes at her and stood up. “Thanks,” I mumbled. There was something about her that I didn’t like, and yet there were many things about her that I did.

I grabbed my journal and I wrote until I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore.

That night, I dreamed that things here wouldn’t turn out so bad.

**_November 19th, 1967_ **

_Things are different now… in a good way. Perry told me, over a period of time of course, why everyone else was in here and how long their stay was supposed to be. Nobody ever gets out on schedule, though, according to what she said. So that’s great, I guess. And… for once? I’m not being sarcastic._

__

_It’s really not as bad as I thought it was going to be in here. Perry’s really nice and one of the best roommates I’ve ever had, Sarah Jane’s a little messed up, but still sweet. LaF’s pretty interesting, considering they’re non-binary, which is actually pretty cool. Elsie’s finally been eating so she got her clothes back, which is totally amazing. Natalie’s sweet, just a little hard to read at times. Danny though… pretty sure she has a crush on me, which is totally okay, just a little weird because no one’s had a crush on me since my girlfriend, but it’s whatever. And then… there’s Carmilla._

__

_I don’t even know where to start when it comes to her. First, she wanted to kill me and now… it’s like she wants me. But… I can’t tell in which way. She flirts with everyone, including the nurses, but… when she does it with me I just… it feels different._

__

_But that’s fine, because now I like different and maybe I’m starting to like myself for who I am._

__

_Crazy._

I lit a cigarette and stared blankly at the TV, finally closing my journal. It was 9:43 pm and I knew I only had seventeen minutes to finish watching a half an hour long show, but that didn’t stop me from trying. That was until Carmilla stepped in front of the TV. “Hey… I was watching that,” I pouted.

She shrugged and sat next to me, throwing her arm over my shoulder. She lent down and for a second I swore she was going to kiss me, but she didn’t. “Tongue your meds tonight and then go to bed. After one o’clock checks, Jamie always goes out for a smoke and doesn’t come back for a good fifteen minutes. Check the mirrors in the corners of the hallways. If they’re clear, go to the art room, it’ll be open,” she whispered. She plucked the cigarette from between my fingers, stood up, took a drag, winked at me and then walked back to her room.

I laid awake in my bed for what seemed like forever until I heard the soft creak and the nurse's voice. “Checks,” she whispered before slowly backing out of the room. I waited another five minutes before turning towards Perry.

“Ready?” I asked. She nodded and we both lifted the knob on our bed posts and popped a strong enough dose of Valium to keep us going for the rest of the night.

Perry went first, to make sure the coast was clear. And then I took a deep breath and made my way towards the art room. Carmilla was standing in the doorway, holding the door open and Perry saluted her before ducking into the room. I smiled at her and she smirked back at me.

“Ready for some real fun, cupcake?”

I bit my lip and shrugged. “We’ll see, _Karnstein_.”

She laughed a hearty laugh and dragged me into the room before latching the door. We walked to the back of the room where there was a locked door. Danny threw Natalie what looked like a paperclip and she delved it into the lock.

Fifteen seconds later, we were walking through a dim corridor. Another turn, another and one more until we got to a chained door. LaF held out their hand. “Keys, Karnstein.”

Carmilla dug into her pocket and handed her keys over to them. Once those were open, we were in tunnels, it looked like. Carmilla was walking in front of me, but turned to face me while we walked. “These tunnels were built back in early twenties so that the crazies didn’t have to walk all over town to get somewhere.”

I laughed, starting to feel the effects of the Valium and what felt like pure happiness. “Must have missed that in the brochure.”

Sarah Jane laughed and threw over her shoulder: “Tell me about it, Laura!”

And I couldn’t help but wonder, maybe I was just crazy or maybe… just maybe this is what happiness was. Being with people who make you fucking feel something other than pain or guilt for once. It was better than nice, it was better than the drugs that were coursing through my system, better than my old life. And, yeah, maybe it was the drugs talking a little bit but for once in a long time I’m happy.

“You alright, cupcake?” Carmilla smirked. “You got that dopey look on your face. What’s up?”

I smiled and then laughed and then somehow, I was crying. I was a mess, but I’d never felt more alive in my life. “I feel _home_.”

Carmilla smiled. Like a real genuine smile and it made me smile. “Temporary home, sweetheart. Remember that.”

We walked in silence for the rest of the trek through the tunnels until we got to an old room with a single bowling lane and really old bowling pins. “Finally, been waiting to come back here for fucking ages, Carmilla!” Elsie said, exasperated.

We took turns bowling and setting up the pins. We talked and sang and smoked and dreamed that maybe this was the right place for us in some twisted world. Not this one though. “Maybe we’re not the freaks,” LaF suggested, leaning against the brick wall.

“Maybe everyone else is and we’re just the minority of normal people,” Danny interjected.

“That’s something a crazy person would say,” Natalie said, rolling her eyes.

Danny laughed, and then LaF and then the rest of us, because it _so_ _was_ something a crazy person would say.

Perry waved her hands. “We’re crazy, but we see the world a different way than everyone else, and I think that’s pretty cool.”

I leaned further into Carmilla, Perry leaned further into LaFontaine and the rest leaned further away from their comfort of sanity because we didn’t have that here. If we did, we’d be home right now. “Alright, boys,” Carmilla said, sitting up a bit, pulling me with her. “Let’s go check Dr. Dyke’s office, shall we?”

Danny threw a roll of old paper towel at her. “Dude,” she chuckled. “We’re all dykes.”

Carmilla cocked her head. “You’re bisexual, so shut the fuck up,” she said, throwing the roll of paper towels back at her, smile on her face. “And Sarah Jane is grossly heterosexual. And Perry doesn’t even have a sexuality!”

“Not true!” Perry interjected. “I do, I just… don’t have a name for it yet.”

“Whatever, Pinocchio,” Carmilla said and then gestured toward me. “And no one knows what cupcake over here is, although I could guess…”

“Shut up,” I blushed.

“Yeah, yeah,” she said. “Let’s move it out before it hits sunrise.”

We took a different way through the tunnels that led us to a locked door which, Natalie unlocked effortlessly. We were in Dr. Wick’s office.

I’d been in here multiple times since I got here, but not like this. Carmilla walked around her desk, sat in her chair and popped a cigarette in her mouth, which Danny ended up lighting for her.

She moved some papers on the desk and picked up a large stack of folders. And started handing them off to their rightful owner. “Danny Lawrence, step right up,” she smiled. “Sarah Jane However You Say Your Last Name, take your prize, please. Natalie Whatever Your Last Name Is, step right up.”

“Thanks,” she mumbled, taking the folder and sitting cross legged on the floor. “Elsie… seriously, why can’t I pronounce your guys’ last names?” she rolled her eyes before handing over the folder. “Susan LaFontaine, Lola Perry, pleased to be of service for you.”

“Mhmm.”

“The Cupcake,” she said with a knowing smile. And then she looked down at her folder, the thickest of them all and let out a shallow sigh. “Carmilla Karnstein.”

After a few minutes of reading through our files, Carmilla spoke.

“Read em’ and weep, boys.”

LaFontaine went first. “Most likely schizophrenia, delusions of oneself…” they trailed off.

Perry next. “Compulsive liar, doesn’t enjoy sex, most likely nothing wrong, just self delusions.”

Carmilla went next, surprisingly. “Is a sociopath -”

Natalie cut in with a shrug. “I’m a sociopath.”

“No, you’re a dyke,” she said, rolling her eyes. “There’s a difference, believe it or not.”

Sarah Jane. “Sexually abused but doesn’t seem to notice that there’s something wrong with that…” she frowned. “I’m not being sexually ab -”

We all stared at her. “Yes you are!” we all said together.

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever, assholes.”

Danny and Elsie had the same diagnosis. “Enjoys sex with both genders, most likely just a nymphomaniac.”

Carmilla stared at me. “What about you, sunshine?”

I glanced back down at my file and frowned. “Borderline Personality Disorder. Dyke. Indulges in self destructive activities  such as... casual sex?”

That got a big laugh.

“I mean, what kind of sex isn’t casual?”

“Rape,” Perry said with a shrug. “Just saying.”

We all nodded. “True, Perr, very true,” LaF said, giving Perry a smile.

Carmilla glanced at the grandfather clock in the corner. “Shit, we gotta go. Put everything back where it was before and turn off all the lights, lock the doors. You know what to do,” she said, pulling her keys out of her pocket and throwing them at Danny, who caught them easily.

“Wait, where are you going Alice in Wonderland?”

“I gotta show cupcake here one more thing before morning checks.”

They all nodded, smirks on their faces knowing something I didn’t. I didn’t question it, just let her drag me to her room where she locked the door and softly pressed me against it. “Carm?”

“Listen, sweetheart,” she began, licking her lips that were maybe a little bit too close to mine. “I was an asshole to you when you first got here, and for that… I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I whispered, shocked that out of all people she was apologizing.

She brought her hand up and brushed some hair from my face, giving me a soft smile. “That’s the thing… it’s not okay and I really am sorry,” she sighed. “I think you’re an interesting person, and I don’t want you to think that I don’t care all the time because, for some reason that I can’t figure out yet…” she trailed off, her lips impossibly close to mine, “...I care about you.”

I was literally about to close the millimeter distance between us when I felt her lips pressed into my forehead.

  
And seriously, either Valium makes you feel like a carbonated drink or Carmilla’s lips have magic in them because I couldn’t stop feeling the tingly sensation even after I went back to my room. I wrote about it, about this night, about last night, about what’ll happen tomorrow and my forehead still didn’t stop tingling until I stared at the ceiling so long that I saw stars.


	3. Say my name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Carmilla says something that Laura can't stop writing about.

_**December 21st, 1967** _

__

“So, Laura,” Dr Wick began, taking a drag of her cigarette. I did the same and she glanced up at me. “It seems that you haven’t been getting into any trouble during your stay here.”

 

I shrugged, hiding my smirk behind another drag. “Not really.”

 

_I ran down the north hallway, Betty’s hand in mine. This was going to be the best Senior prank in the history of ever. She laughed. “This was a bad idea, Laur.”_

_“Yeah, you’re probably right.”_

_There was a loud scream and then an explosion. We both laughed from behind a corner, but then there was another explosion, and then another. And… maybe setting off an explosive paint bomb in a chemistry lab was a really bad idea._

 

“How have the flashbacks been?”

 

I slowly moved my cigarette from between my lips and glared at her. Neither of us said anything for a few moments until she cleared her throat, obviously waiting for an answer. “How do you know about those?”

 

She smiled. “Well, you see, it seems at times, you stare off blanky into space -”

 

“So?” I asked harshly. “Everyone does that.”

 

“Yes, my dear,” she said, crushing her cigarette in her ashtray, “but most people can usually remember where they are. You were about to ask when you got here, correct?”

 

Yes. “No.”

 

She nodded, clearly amused.

 

Bitch.

 

“How’s Carmilla?”

 

My eye twitched. Nothing’s happened between Carmilla and I, but we’ve both been kicked out of each other’s rooms multiple times. Not like it matters, we always ended back up together anyways.

 

“What about Carmilla?”

 

She smiled. “I was just wondering how you two were doing. You two seem to be very close, yes?”

 

I rolled my eyes. “We’re two crazy people stuck in a mental torture chamber with a lot of crazy shit in common, okay?” I said matter of factly, as I lit another cigarette.

 

She hummed lightly and then looked at me with a glint in her eyes. “But are you really crazy, Laura?”

 

A long pause.

 

“Are we done?”

 

She nodded. “For now.”

 

A nurse escorted me back to my room where I pulled out my journal from under my pillow.

 

_Dr. Wick is the stupidest therapist I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She thinks she does when she writes nothing but empty words in her notebook, but she’s clueless._

_She says there’s something wrong with me but she can’t figure it out? How oblivious does she think we all are?_

 

“Knock, knock.”

 

I shut my journal and slid it back under my pillow. Carmilla was standing in the doorway with a smirk on her face. “Hey, Carm.”

 

“What’s up, cutie?” she asked, crushing her cigarette in the ashtray on the dresser. “Get back from your the-rape-me session with Dr. Dyke?”

 

I sighed. “Yeah.”

 

She frowned and walked over to my bed. She lifted up my legs, sat down and then sat them on top of her lap, leaning back on her hands. “You okay?”

 

I sighed. “Yeah I just -”

 

There was a knock at the door. A nurse popped her head in. “Laura, you have a visitor.”

 

I frowned and looked at Carmilla who shrugged. Was it my Dad? “Um, okay, I’ll be out in a second.”

 

“Come on, sweetheart,” she said, standing and offering me her hand. I took it and we walked into the TV room where I immediately dropped her hand.

 

_Shit._

 

“Betty?”

 

She turned around and smiled at me, nervously fiddling with her pockets. “Hey, Laura.”

 

I cleared my throat awkwardly and stepped slightly in front of Carmilla. “What’re you doing here?”

 

She laughed.

 

I missed that laugh. “What? I can’t come visit my girlfriend?”

 

_Double shit._

 

Literally half of the room gasped. “Girlfriend?” Elsie asked from her spot on the couch. She laughed. “Oh, Laura, you’re dead now.”

 

Betty shot her a look and offered me her hand. I took it, timidly, however and we walked back to our room. Before the door was even locked, all I heard was: “Okay, so in the case of seduction eyes that this chick was just giving cupcake, I think she needs some space.”

 

And then, there was Danny: “Seduction eyes?!”

 

Betty laughed. “These people are fucking crazy.” And before I could even really respond, she was kissing me and I kissed her back like she’d been away from months; which she had, and it felt great to be with her again.

 

She put her hands on my hips and pushed me back onto the bed and I slipped my tongue in her mouth. And honestly, I’d be lying if I’d say I didn’t miss this.

 

She used her free hand and ran it up my stomach and palmed my breast hard. “Shit… wait,” I said against her lips. I sat up slightly on my elbows and tried to pull her shirt off, which of course got stuck because my arms weren’t long enough. I guess it didn’t matter though because the door burst open anyway. A nurse popped her head in.

 

“Checks,” she said before blushing. “Sorry.”

 

And then there was Valerie smirking at me. “You know, Laura, you do have grounds privileges.”

 

She shut the door, but not before I saw my friends laughing and Carmilla giving me an amused expression. Betty stood up and straightened out her shirt. “Maybe we should -”

 

“No,” I said. Because holy shit did I need this. “It’s fine, we have fifteen minutes before they come back,” I finished, while my hands worked on the button of her pants.

 

Fifteen minutes later though, when the nurse did come back for checks, we were already dressed. “Checks,” she said lightly before ducking back out of the room.  

 

I smiled at Betty shyly. “So… I have grounds privileges. Do you want to -”

 

Before I could finish she had my hand in hers, pulling me out of my room where I was bombarded with wolf whistles. I blushed and she pulled me out of the doors and down the stairs. Once we got down the main staircase, we took a left to get to the main doors.

 

We walked outside and she pulled me in the direction of the parking lot. “Betts, what’re you doing? The Cafe’s that way -”

 

She stopped and turned around. “We’re leaving, Laura.”

 

I stared at her, a confused look on my face. “Wait… what?”

 

“My Dad gave me 5 grand,” she said, licking her lips and looking around. “I got drafted to be a medical nurse in the army.”

 

Oh, right.

 

_We were all staring anxiously at the TV, waiting to see the birthday of someone we loved come up on the screen. Or the people we hated._

_“December 30th,” the announcer said._

_I blinked. “Shit,” I said quietly._

_“What?” Elsie asked._

_“A girl I know was just drafted to be a medical nurse.”_

_She laughed. “She’s dead now.”_

“Are you listening, Laur?” she asked. And while her hands gripped mine tighter, mine wanted to pull away even more. “We’re going to Canada.”

 

“Wha… why?”

 

“Look, Laura,” she sighed, “you don’t need to be here.”

 

“I tried to kill myself, Betty.”

 

She licked her lips and shook her head. “So you took a couple of aspirin -"

 

“I took a bottle of aspirin,” I said, trying to reason. She threw her hands up in the air.

 

“And that buys you a year in this place? C’mon, Laura, that’s bullshit!” she said with a humorless laugh. “You don’t belong here. We can go to Canada, build a cabin in the woods. Just you and me, but we have to go.”

 

I stared at her and then glanced back at the Women’s Ward while she tried to pull me forward. This place was holding me back, and for once, that was a good thing. “I can’t leave, Betty,” I said throwing a look over my shoulder. “I have friends here.”

 

“Who, them?” she asked and I shrugged. “Those girls, they’re eating grapes off the wallpaper. They’re crazy.”

 

“If they are, then I am.”

 

She left go of my hands now and stuffed them in her pockets. Something she does when she gets defensive. “Laura, I think I love you. Look, I have five grand!”

 

I didn’t realize I was crying until I brought my hand up to wipe the tears from my face.

 

Betty gave me worried look. “I mean, you want to leave… don’t you?”

 

I laughed as more tears fell from my eyes. “Yes, Betty. I do want to leave. But not with you,” I said with finality. She reached for my hands and I backed away. “Not with you.”

 

I didn’t have time to hear her reply because I was running back inside. Up the stairs, hard, fast. I can’t breathe and it feels great. I get up to my floor and go straight to my room, looking out the window and watching her leave. There was a knock on the door.

 

“Fuck off!” I yelled, resting my head against my pillow on the window seal. The door creaked open.

 

“Not a chance in hell, cupcake.”

 

I turned around to see Carmilla standing there, arms literally wide open. I didn’t think twice, or at all really. I jumped down from my bed and crashed my face into her shoulder. I cried for a good fifteen minutes, and then she finally spoke.

 

“It’s okay, Laura. It’s okay.”

 

And at this point, all I ended up thinking about at the moment was the fact that…

 

She called me Laura.

 

An hour after lights out, I stared in the dark at the six pages of hardly readable script. Four words, repeated a hundred times over.

 

_She called me Laura_

 

**_December 31st, 1967_ **

 

You know, nothing ruins New Year’s Eve worse than finding out you have a Dr. Wick appointment first thing in the morning.

 

I figure it’s because of what happened with Betty, more or less; considering that I only meet with Dr. Wick once a month and my once a month was about a week ago. “Why do you look like someone just took away your paycheck?” Danny asked casually, plopping down beside me on the couch.

 

“I have a Dr. Wick appointment tomorrow morning.”

 

She frowned. “Didn’t you just have one like two weeks ago?”

 

I nodded, putting another cigarette to my lips.

 

Danny lit it for me and I smiled. “Thanks, Danny.”

 

She waved me off. “No problem, now… tell me why you have an unscheduled slash unplanned appointment for Dr. Dyke.”

 

So I told her exactly what happened between Betty and I, and after my five minute explanation she looked at me, unamused. “What?”

 

“Would you have went to Canada with her if you hated it here?”

 

I shrugged, taking a drag. “I don’t know.”

 

We didn’t say anything after that, just sat in silence and watched reruns of I Love Lucy. Danny’s question was bugging me. Would I really have left with Betty if I did hate it here? A girl I’d been dating for a few months, basically on and off? And I honestly don’t like the fact that my answer is ‘I don’t know’.

 

I mean, yeah, she said she loved me… kind of. But, it didn’t feel right. Maybe if she wouldn’t have said that, my answer would have been yes. But then, I would have to hate this place. Which I don’t.

 

Doesn’t mean I don’t want to leave, though. Maybe I just don’t want to go by myself. Or maybe I just don’t want to leave some things behind.

 

**9:43 pm**

__

Carmilla and I lay in my bed, my head in the crook of her neck and her hand rubbing circles in my arm. We hadn’t said a word for a good half an hour until I broke the silence. “Are we aloud to watch the ball drop?”

 

“Yeah,” she whispered. “And if we weren’t, I’d find a way anyways so…” she trailed off.

 

I smiled. “I know.”

 

**10:58 pm**

 

We were all gathered around the poker table playing some card game where you tried to guess if your opponents had the right card they said they had.  “Three threes,” Danny said carefully, placing the three cards face down on the pile.

 

“Bullshit, firetruck,” Carmilla said, smirking in Danny’s direction when she picked up the entire pile of cards.

 

“Quit calling me that, Al Capone?”

 

Carmilla rolled her eyes and then winked at me. “Fucking hypocrite.”

 

**11:49 pm**

“No! Get the _fuck off_!” Elsie screamed as two guards wrestled her in their arms. “Nobody’s ever going to fucking love me!” she cried. “It’s not fucking _fair!_ ”

 

Valerie was sighing and jerked her head towards the other hallway. “Solitary Confinement, please.”

 

I looked at Carmilla with pleading eyes and a pout.

 

“No,” she said. “Cupcake, I don’t want you to get in tr -”

 

“Please?”

 

She sighed and we both stood up. “Yeah, whatever.”

 

**11:52 pm**

 

Carmilla and I booked it to the art room. They kept a locked up compartment of instruments, and she had keys to everything.

 

She popped open the lock and I grabbed a guitar and a tambourine and as soon as we were in there, we were gone.

 

Trying to quietly run down the hallway with a tambourine is a lot harder than I thought.

 

**11:54 pm**

 

I sat next to the thick, white metal door with the guitar in my lap. I smiled at Carmilla who was shaking her head at me, a smile on her face and a tambourine in her hand. “Elsie?” I asked quietly.

 

“Go away,” came her weak reply.

 

Carmilla nodded her head and I strummed a few weak chords. “Um… okay, hold on,” I said before adjusting my fingers. I cleared my throat and croaked out the first few words.

 

_When there's nowhere else to run_

_Is there room for one more son_

_One more son_

_If you can hold on_

_If you can hold on, hold on_

_I want to stand up, I want to let go_

_You know, you know, no you don't, you don't_

_I want to shine on in the hearts of men_

_I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand_

By now, Carmilla was playing and singing along and I couldn’t help but smile. Her voice… was perfect, much like everything else about her. And now all I’m thinking about is writing about her in my journal.

 

_Another head aches, another heart breaks_

_I am so much older than I can take_

_And my affection, well it comes and goes_

_I need direction to perfection, no no no no_

_Yeah, you know you gotta help me out_

_Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner_

_You know you gotta help me out_

_You're gonna bring yourself down_

_Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down_

_Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down_

Carmilla sat closer to me, now; playing the beat on the tambourine like it was her heartbeat and all I could do was strum a little bit harder.

 

Because this was my favorite song and I’ll be damned if I don’t play my little heart out.

 

_I got soul, but I’m not a soldier_

**11:59 pm**

 

_Over and again, last call for sin_

_While everyone's lost, the battle is won_

_With all these things that I've done_

_All these things that I've done_

I played the last chord and glanced up to see Carmilla smiling at me. I set the guitar down and smiled back. She brought her hand up and wiped some hair from my face.

 

_10_

_9_

_8_

 

“You’re a really good singer,” she whispered, eyes glancing down at my lips.

 

_7_

_6_

_5_

 

“So are you,” I whispered back.

 

_4_

_3_

_2_

 

“Happy New Year, cutie.”

 

I didn’t hear the last number from my friends in the TV room, because I was too focused on the roaring in my ears when I finally felt her lips pressed against mine.

 

I kissed her back and she pulled me onto her lap, running a hand through my hair in the process.

 

We broke apart and she started laughing. I laughed too and sat next to her, leaning against her shoulder.

 

When our laughter subsides, finally, she kissed the top of my head. “Goodnight, cupcake.”

 

“Goodnight, Carm,” I whispered. But, before I closed my eyes I swore I could hear Elsie humming the song we just sang her.

 

Maybe everything wasn’t alright.

 

But for now, we could all pretend it could be.

 

_**January 1st, 1968** _

 

“Wake up!”

 

Someone kicked my foot and I slowly opened my eyes. “What the hell?”

 

“You gotta get back to your room, Valerie’s -” LaF was cut off with a loud yell.

 

“God damn it!” Valerie yelled, staring directly at me. LaF shook their head and ran back down the hall.

 

I stood up and stepped away from Carmilla as fast as I possibly could, without making it look like something was going on. Which was ridiculous because nothing really was going on.

 

She pointed a firm finger at me, seething. “I’ve had just about enough of your shit, Hollis.”

 

She marched over, and I thought she was going to hit me, but she just bent down and grabbed Carmilla by the collar of her shirt and yanked her to her feet. “Oh, good morning to you too, Val.”

 

“What do you think you’re doing, Carmilla?”

 

She sighed and looked down at her nails. “Well, I _was_ sleeping -”

 

Valerie shook her head. “No,” she said. “What do you think you’re doing with Laura?”

 

At the mention of my name, she narrowed her eyes. “The fuck are you talking about?”

 

Valerie shook her head and pushed Carmilla back against the wall before dropping her hand from her collar. “Stay away from her,” she spat. “You’ll ruin her, Karnstein. And we all know you don’t want that.”

 

A look of fear got replaced with a look of realization and it made my heart crumble. “That’s not true,” I said quietly.  

 

“Go to your appointment, cupcake. I’m fine.”

 

I gave her a pleading look but she just shook her head, a small smile at the corners of her lips.

 

So, I picked up my feet and walked to Dr. Wick’s office, guided by an orderly. As soon as I sat down on the uncomfortable fake leather, I lit a cigarette. She smiled knowingly at me. “Good morning, Ms. Hollis.”

 

I didn’t respond, just leaned back in my chair and took a drag so deep, it felt like my lungs were going to burn out.

 

“So, would you like to know your real diagnoses?”

 

What?

 

“What?” I asked, surprisingly myself. “What do you mean real?”

 

She smiled again and cocked her head to one side. “Perhaps that is for another visit, yes?”

 

No. “Yeah, whatever.”

 

I took another drag and then flicked the ash into that ugly ashtray on her table.

 

“Maybe we should talk about your behavior.”

 

What was she talking about? She can’t be talking about what happened with Betty, or even what happened with Carmilla. No way, those aren’t behaviors. Those are moments that just happen.

 

“See, someone like you might engage in a sex act where -”

 

I scoffed and finished my last drag, crushing the light into the darkness of the ashtray. “Am I in trouble for kissing Carmilla or giving my girlfriend head?”

 

She gave me a brief smile that fell from her lips the second it was there.

  
“Neither.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. It turns out that I might not be able to update for a while. Maybe, it depends. I really wish I could, but something kind of... important (?) might come up. I'll still try my hardest to get the other chapters out as soon as I possibly can though. I mean, I'm currently stress writing so that I might be able to get a couple more chapters out, but, we'll see. Sorry about that.


	4. About You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Carmilla doesn't want to talk about other girls, and Laura doesn't want her to.

 

 

So it turns out that I actually wasn’t in trouble for kissing Carmilla or having sex with my girlfriend. Someone drugged the nurse that was on guard that night and Valerie found out. Which would explain why she was so pissed off earlier.

 

But, it didn’t make sense that she thought that I did it. My guess is that it was probably Elsie or something; she did have a huge problem with that nurse a few weeks ago, so yeah, it probably was.

 

Either that or Carmilla, which is really far fetched because she was with me the whole time.

 

I mean, she did wonder off for a few seconds, but that was probably just her short attention span that she has when it comes to helping other people. I mean… right?

 

“That bunched up face you make when you’re thinking is adorable, cutie.”

 

I tensed up and turned around, throwing her a brief smile. “Hey.”

 

She nodded and sat on the table, swinging her feet back and forth. Kind of like she was nervous.

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

I cocked my head to one side and gave her a questioning look. Was she asking for permission? That’s weird, even for her. “Um… yeah, as long as I can ask you something.”

 

She nodded. “Do you…” she sighed. “Are we okay?”

 

We? What the hell is that supposed to mean? “What do you mean ‘we’?”

 

She shrugged shyly and I smiled because it was honestly the cutest thing ever. “Like… I don’t know. Are we still… whatever we were before?”

 

“That’s what I was going to ask you,” I said, shrugging and looking at the floor. “But… if you want to be, then yeah, we’re fine.”

 

Carmilla glanced up at me and sighed before looking behind her. Nobody except for Elsie and Natalie were in the TV room, so it was pretty empty. “Fuck,” she mumbled. I was about to ask her what was wrong when she grabbed my hand and pulled me towards her room.

 

She pulled me inside and shut the door and apparently she made a lock because she locked the door. She brought her hand up and rested it on my cheek. We stared at each other for a long time before she ran her thumb over my lips and I took in a deep breath. “Carm…”

 

She chuckled softly. “I really want to kiss you.”

 

I swallowed. “Then do it.”

 

She shook her head and dropped her hand. “I can’t.”

 

I gave her a look and she sighed.

 

“Look, I think… well, I don’t know what I think. But… there’s something about you. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re the most adorable and sexiest person I think I’ve ever met, but you don’t belong here, and I don’t want to be the thing keeping you where you don’t need to be.”

 

“You’re not.”

 

_**January 25th, 1968** _

 

_So… Sarah Jane is getting out sometime in February. Her Dad called and said as soon as he buys an apartment and gets furniture and stuff in there, she could move in. And Carmilla and I haven’t done anything since New Year’s._

_I mean, we’ve talked but we haven’t kissed, cuddled or snuck out together to go down to the tunnels. She came into my room one night when she had a nightmare, but she didn’t touch me, she just fell asleep. Which was okay too, because I really just wanted to be near her._

_And Dr. Wick said that I should stay away from Carmilla. I laughed and told her to pull her head out of her ass so she could hear what she was saying, because it was all bullshit._

 

I sighed, slid my journal back under my pillow and got up from my spot on my bed, lit a cigarette and dragged myself to the TV room.

 

“Hey, L,” LaF greeted, getting up from their chair and walking over to my side. I gave them a small smile.

 

“Hey.”

 

They furrowed their brow. “You okay?”

 

LaF and I have actually become really good friends over the months that I’ve been here, and honestly I’m thankful because I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone but them right now. “Uh, kind of, I don’t know.”

 

They nodded. “Alright, alright, come on,” they said, grabbing ahold of the fabric of my shirt and pulling me towards their room.

 

We walked in silence and when we got their, they hastily pushed me inside and shut the door.

 

Natalie was sitting on her bed painting her nails.

 

Wait.

 

_How?_

 

LaFontaine and I both looked at her. “Where’d you get nail polish?”

 

Natalie looked up at us and smirked. “I have my ways.”

 

LaF and I nodded and stood there awkwardly. “You uh… you bagged it from the Men’s Ward, didn’t you?”

 

She shrugged and picked up her stuff, screwing the top back on the nail polish and putting it in her pocket. “Whatever you guys are going to talk about, I don’t care, just don’t take long, I want to finish my nails.”

 

We both nodded and she left, closing the door behind her. “So… what’s your deal, L?”

 

I sighed. “You know how Carmilla and I kissed on New Year’s, right?”

 

They nodded and I licked my lips.

 

“Well, we haven’t kissed since then, but apparently she wants to kiss me but she says she can’t because she doesn’t think that I belong here and she doesn’t want to ruin me and I’m totally freaked right now because I honestly think I like her and normally I wouldn’t -”

 

LaF placed their hands on my shoulders and laughed. “Breathe, you dip shit, okay?”

 

I took a deep breath and let out a soft chuckle. “Thanks,” I said. They smiled.

 

“Don’t mention it. If you would have died from asphyxiation, I would have missed you.”

 

We stood there for a little bit before I spoke. “So… what do I do?”

 

“Carmilla likes to be in control of situations. Show her that she’s not, okay? She’s a real fucking hardass, but for some reason I feel like she’d let you walk all over her,” they took a breath. “Now, you call the shots, L. Otherwise all of _this_ ,” they waved their hands in a general location, “is never going to work. Because seriously, we can all feel the sexual tension between you too. It’s disgusting, so do something about it.”

 

I smiled, triumphantly. “Time to girl the hell up, right?”

 

They laughed. “You know, that’ll be on a TV show someday.”   

 

**_February 1st, 1968_ **

 

_Okay, so… it’s been a week and I haven’t done anything about my… situation (?)_

_And honestly, I’m not sure I want to because Dr. Wick, Melvin and Valerie are all getting suspicious that something between Carmilla and I is going on behind their backs. Which, is kind of true but we haven’t done anything. Not like I don’t want to… because wow, but I just don’t know how to and it’s kind of driving me insane_

__  
  


I sigh and shut my journal before LaF, Danny and Perry come bursting into my room. “Uh… hey, guys…?”

 

Danny sighed before she shrugged and all three of them walked over to my bed and picked me up. I thrashed a little bit when Danny pulled out a blindfold.

 

“Woah, what the hell?” I demanded, glaring down at LaF who stood between my airborne legs, holding them up by the ankles.

 

Danny held my arms and Perry slipped the blindfold on.

 

“What the hell are you guys doing?” I yelled as they all shushed me.

 

“We’re kiboshing this little problem of yours, once and for all.”

 

I grunted. “No, you’re kidnapping me.” I didn’t get a response, they just started hauling me out of my room and left down the main hallway.

 

We took a few turns and stopped a few times when we heard voice. Eventually, I heard a door open and then there was Carmilla’s voice. “Take this fucking grungy blindfold off of me you twats before I slit all of your worthless -”

 

“Carmilla?” I asked, scrunching up my face from behind my blindfold.

 

“Cupcake?” she called back, sounding just as confused as me.

 

“Ready?” Elsie said.

 

Apparently everyone else in the room nodded because in three seconds, my blindfold was pulled off and so was Carmilla’s. All of my friends stood around the two beds that Carm and I were on.

 

“Where are we?”

 

“Seriously, I don’t even know this place,” Carmilla said, blowing some hair out of her face.

 

LaF spoke up. “Okay, sorry about all of these… extreme measures, but honestly something had to be done because you two are so clearly into each other it’s making all of us sick, so, we figured if you guys couldn’t fix the problem, we could try our hardest.”

 

I raised an eyebrow. “So you kidnap us?”

 

They all shrugged before walking towards the door. Elsie was the last out the door. She looked over her shoulder and smiled. “And don’t think about trying to leave. The door locks from the outside.”

 

When she shut the door, I glanced at Carmilla. “So…”

 

“Yeah…”

 

I cleared my throat. “Can I come sit by you or…?”

 

She shook her head, a small smirk on her face. “If you want to, cutie.”

 

I nodded, stood up, walked over to the bed and awkwardly sat on the edge of it. We sat in a surprisingly comfortable silence until I looked out the window. It was raining. “The rain tonight’s really pretty.”

 

“So are you.”

 

I looked at her and blushed. Seriously, what is she doing? Does she like me, or is she just flirting?

 

This chick is honestly one piece of work. “What’re we doing, Carmilla?”

 

“Well, currently we’re sitting in some room that smells like this one girl that I -”

 

I waved my hands in front of her face. “Okay, first of all… no,” I glared at her. “We are not talking about other girls right now.”

 

She lifted her eyebrow and rubbed the back of her neck. “Oh...kay?”

 

_“Hurry the fuck up in there, we don’t have all night!”_

 

I let out a harsh breath and sat fully on the bed, crossing my legs and giving Carmilla a look.

 

She gave me one right back, but one that seemed more like sadness than anything. It was… definitely not expected. “I need you to understand something, cupcake.”

 

“Okay… let’s start with the nicknames. Why do you use them?”

 

She laid back on the bed and crossed her hands over her stomach. “Do you remember when you first got here?”

 

“And you tried to kill me?”

 

She laughed, and it was genuine. I could tell by the way she lifted her head to look at me and then laughed harder. “Was I really that bad?” she asked and I shrugged, a smile on my face. “Anyways, after I didn’t kill you, I went to solitary confinement and cried over Ell.”

 

I nodded. “Was Ell your -”

 

“She was my girlfriend,” she said simply. “And you were right, Laura.”

 

I frowned. “Right about what?”

 

She sat up and swung her legs over the bed. She stood up and walked over to my side of the bed and sat next to me. “We shouldn’t be talking about other girls because I want to talk about you.”

 

_Oh._

 

“Oh.”

 

She was giving me the look. You know, the one someone gives you when they’re about to bang you up against a wall or some shit? Yeah, it was that look. Or, maybe that’s just the way she looks at me because she grabs my hand, intwines it with hers and kisses my knuckles. “I know I’m not so good with the feelings thing, but -”

 

_“Guys, seriously! If we get caught I’m gonna kill -”_

Carmilla growled. “Okay, Jesus fucking Christ!”

 

I laughed and she glared at me.

 

“You’re not making this easy, cupcake.”

 

I smiled and shrugged. “Pretty sure none of this is supposed to be easy.” I nudged her with my shoulder. “Anyways, you were saying?”

 

She let out a sigh and squeezed my hand. “I think I really like you and I’m sorry that it took so long for me to realize that it’s just… I don’t know. Usually when I sneak out of here, I always end up hooking up with some random girl and then having to deal with their husbands or boyfriends afterwards, but the last time I snuck out? I didn’t want to deal with that because I kept thinking about you and…” she trailed off and I squeezed her hand a little tighter.

 

“And…?”

 

“I don’t ever want it to be like that between us, you know? Something quick. That’s not what I want with you and it’s kind of freaking me out because that’s honestly all I’ve ever known until I got together with Ell but it’s just… weird, I guess. But you’re kind of really awesome and I just -”

 

She was cute when she ranted, but holy shit I swear if we ran out of time to finish talking before my idiot friends came in and ruined it, I would end up murdering half of them. “Carmilla?”

 

She looked at me and raised her eyebrow. “Yeah?”

 

“Shut up,” I said before crashing my lips onto hers. And, honestly I’ve thought about kissing Carmilla a lot… like, really a lot but this felt a lot better than writing about it in my journal or having some stupid day dream about it.

 

I tilted my head a little further to the right to deepen the kiss and she did the same. I swept my tongue across her bottom lip and she opened her mouth so quickly I almost wanted to laugh. But there’s really no time for laughing when Carmilla Karnstein’s tongue is in your mouth.

 

She pulled me down on top of her and  threw one of her hands in my hair. I smiled as I pulled back. Which quickly turned into a smirk when I saw the look on her face. “Disappointed?”

 

She licked her lips. “Shut up.”

 

I got off of her and ran my fingers through my hair. And then I offered her my hand. She took it and we both smiled. “Come on, let’s book it before those girls lose their shit.”

 

I opened the door and pulled Carmilla past my friends who were giving us encouraging glances. When we got to the end of the hallway, I sheepishly turned back to them. “Uh… which way?”

 

LaF and Elsie held up the blindfolds with smirks before LaF spoke up. “Nice try, frosh.”

 

**_February 21st, 1986_ **

 

It was cold outside, like… bone chilling cold and we were walking to an ice cream parlour.

 

“Y’know, taking a bunch of us to get ice cream in the middle of winter kind of makes you wonder who’s crazy here,” I said, tightening the string around my waist.

 

Valerie smiled. “Well, I figured we should do something nice for Sarah Jane’s last day, and all of you seem to enjoy ice cream enough to try and sneak over to the Men’s Ward to get some, so why not make it easier?”

 

I looked at Carmilla who shrugged.

 

Well, she wasn’t wrong.

 

“Anyways, I thought the fresh air would be good for you ladies.”

 

We walked in silence most of the way, trying to think to ourselves how exactly it was that they were letting Sarah Jane out despite the fact that her Dad was basically buying her out of that place. We all knew she wasn’t “cured”, and I’m pretty sure even she knows that.

 

When we finally got to the ice cream place, we took our coats off, put them in the booths and walked up to the counter. Carmilla ordered first. “Well, hey there...” she glanced down at his nametag and smiled, “...Ronny.”

 

He gave her a nervous smile. “Um, hi,” he cleared his throat. “What can I get for you?”

 

Before she spoke, I overheard someone talking to the left of us and tensed up.

 

Seriously? I can’t get a break?

 

What was he even _doing_ here?

 

Valerie nudged me. “You gonna get anything, Laura?”

 

I shook my head. Carmilla continued her flirting with Ronny and I rolled my eyes. “So… you want a sundae?”

 

She nodded and dragged her thumb across her bottom lip. “Can it have sprinkles though?”

 

He nodded. “Sprinkles, sure, yeah. Anything else?”

 

She picked up a cherry from behind the glass, brought it to her lips and sucked on it. “Well, there’s one more thing…”

 

I heard Elsie and Natalie chuckling and I kind of figured where this was going. Ronny cleared his throat again and brought his pen to his notepad. “Um… nuts?”

 

We all burst out into laughter and Carmilla pulled the cherry stem out of her mouth and threw it in the trashcan behind the counter.

 

Valerie rolled her eyes and stepped to the front. “We’ll all just have the peppermint stick.”

 

Sarah Jane faked a pout, trying to hide her smirk. “What if I want peppermint dick?”

 

Elsie spoke up. “Well, what if the rest of us want peppermint clit?”

 

We all laughed again and Valerie nodded her head and turned back to us. “Sit,” she said. And we did.

 

We ate in silence for the most part because we were too scared Valerie was going to kill us if we said anything else. But honestly, I was way too worried about him coming over here and noticing me.

 

He did anyway.

 

“Hello, Laura,” he said coldly.

 

I nodded. “Mr. Gilcrest.”

 

Carmilla gave me a knowing look. He leaned down a little closer to me. “I know what you did and where you are right now. And let’s just say I hope they put you away for a long time.”

 

Carmilla sat up. “Hey, back off Tarzan.”

 

He stood back up straight and narrowed his eyes at her. “Was I talking to you?”

 

“No, you were spitting on me, so mellow fuckin’ out!”

 

He literally gasped.

 

Asshole.

 

“Don’t tell me what to do!”

 

Carmilla rolled her eyes and handed her ice cream to me. “Look, she gave your wife some head. Big fucking deal, she was probably begging for it. And I heard yours is like a pencil anyway, so I don’t blame her.”

 

He pointed his finger at her, rage filling his face. “How dare you?”

 

Carmilla swatted it away. “A little advice? Just don’t point your fucking finger at crazy people!”

 

I sat there, wide eyed until Elsie started barking.

 

Literally barking. And then the rest of them starting making weird noises and doing weird shit that I’ve never seen them do, but what most “normal” people would expect crazy people to do. He stormed out of the parlour, I looked at Carmilla and then I laughed. “Thanks, guys.”

 

Carmilla took her ice cream back. “No problem, cupcake.”

 

The walk back was filled with laughter and… honestly a lot of shit. I was walking next to Carmilla when Valerie turned to look at her. “Did you enjoy the fresh air?”

 

She smiled. “Yeah, I did Val, thanks for asking.”

 

She hummed and nodded. “Good, because it’s the last you’re going to get during your stay here.”

 

Carmilla smirked. “Is that a dare or a double dare?”

 

_**February 22nd, 1968** _

 

I woke up and immediately shut my eyes again. “Oh, shit,” I mumbled.

 

Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have drank so much last night. But people only leave once, right?

 

I laughed. Now I really am starting to sound like Carmilla.

 

_“Hey… hey, hey, hey… hey!” Elsie yelled, snapping her fingers in front of my face. I blinked and looked at her._

_“Huh?” I managed. She handed me another shot and I took it, cringing afterwards. We were back down in the tunnels, bowling and drinking and…_

_Holy shit I’m fucked up._

_I laughed and Carmilla handed me the bowling ball. “You okay there?”_

_“I’m totally blitzed right now, sorry.”_

_She shrugged and kissed the side of my forehead. “As long as you don’t hurt yourself or do anything stupid, you’ll be fine. Maybe not in the morning, but, you know.”_

I groaned when the door opened. “Morning checks,” the nurse said before shutting the door.

 

I turned over and glanced at Perry who was smiling at me. “Good morning,” she said.

 

I nearly threw up. “Not likely.”

 

I closed my eyes for a few minutes before the door was being opened again. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter in hopes that whoever it was would go away because at this point I’m pretty sure that I’m dying. “Morning, cutie.”

 

“Go away, I’m gross,” I mumbled into my pillow. She laughed and I felt her sit on the edge of the bed.

 

“Take these and drink this and you won’t be so gross anymore,” she said. I peeked at her and she smirked, handing me a glass of water and a few pills. I sat up slowly and took the pills, chugging the water afterwards. “Lay back down and go to sleep. You’ll feel better in about an hour.”

 

I offered her a small, shy smile. “Thanks.”

 

She leant forward and kissed me. “Yeah, yeah. Just feel better.”

 

And I did, but for a totally different reason.

 

12:07 pm

We were all gathered around the table in the TV room talking to Sarah Jane. “You guys will get out, okay?”

 

Elsie rolled her eyes. “Whatever you say, Daddy’s girl. It’s not going to be any time soon.”

 

She shook her head. “You don’t know that.”

 

Elsie laughed. “Yeah, I do.”

 

While we waited for her Dad to get here, they told me stories about things that happened before I got here. And yeah, some of the stories were crazy, but the more I stayed here I realized that my friends aren’t. At least, not in the way everyone else thinks.

 

_**1:19 pm** _

__

Sarah Jane leaving didn’t really affect us all that much, but I honestly couldn’t help but feel like something was missing. And something was. But things were going pretty good. I was happy for her.

 

Valerie tapped me on the shoulder. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

 

I looked up and nodded. “Sure, about what?”

 

“Carmilla.”

 

I nodded slowly, stood up and pushed my chair in, giving Carmilla a desperate look. She gave me a confused one.

 

Valerie led me into her office, shut the door and locked it.

 

There should have been a million things running through my head, but the only one was:

_We’re fucked_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... yeah. Chapter 4 isn't my favorite either. I'm really sorry it wasn't that great, I've just been kind of struggling with how to write this. I'll watch the movie again so... maybe things will go better, but yeah. Sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> So, updating schedule is going to be random, but updates probably won't be more than a few days apart. I'll let you guys know if there's any reason that would change. Thanks for reading :)


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